Red Hot Passion
12 August 2005

i am in a crap shit mood. it sounds really angsty and all. but well, i'm really in a tangle of emotions right now.

suddenly everything's taking a toll on me?

like someone slicing up your skin piece by piece. bit by bit. to try to stop you from feeling all the pain at one shot. but eventually, still skinning you alive all the same.

it's like suddenly, all the insecurities/confusion/fucked up feelings comes crashing down. a huge wave swallowing me whole.

just like *snaps fingers* that.

i hate feeling this way. but well. it happens. (shall blame it on the ever haywire hormones raging full blast)

anyway, got back amaths test. i felt pretty numb at first. numb, being, emotionless cos i sure as hell am getting used to all this (aka bad results/ failing tests)

and then, my mind went overtime. started thinking of everything in my life. for some strange reason, i really dont know.

how stupid i've become.
how unaccomplished i am in my 2+years in cedar.
how i can block out all my feelings, pretending i never felt that way.
how i really am in self denial.
how i really really want something i can be proud of when i look back to my sec sch days.
how fucked up ___________(to those few who know what i'm thinking abt. i'm really at a loss. i dont know what to think.)
how if ever, hopefully never cos suicide's really lame, i really do want to die, i dont really have anyone i can turn to.
how pathetic the term "friendship" is when nothing really is 100% honest. for me at least.
how i didnt have anyone i can ring up at 2 in the morn in tears when i first found out everything. how lonely i feel all of a sudden cos no one seems to care anymore.
how i'm like this empty soul roaming ard in the world cos. well, a lot of things.
how i hope i wont be a shit nco. cos that would really suck too.
how i need to start pulling up my socks in my studies.
how self centered i am.
how heartless i can get.
how mean i can be.
how badly i want to leave cedar and start everything a fresh.
how i really cant bear to leave cedar all at the same.
how much i badly want to be all that when i grow up.
how i want my dreams to come true.
how i'll feel when i'm really in love someday.
how nice it'd be to be in that state of euphoria right now.
how much regrets i have abt everything.
how lame it is to live life with regrets.
how i need to break free off everything once in a while.
how emotionally weak i am.
how i can fool everyone so well.
how dumb it is to build a wall so up high only to realise you've trapped yourself in with no way out.
how badly i want it all out, but this superficial side of me just screams "no! no! no!"

just how screwed a lot of things are. HAH. and that seems to be an awful lot in my case.

but then i remember the numbered conversations we have. and i feel better all over again. it seems like nothing to you, just talking shit or whatever. but it really means a lot to me. cos i think that's the only truth left in everything i know? i think. i KNOW.

at this point in time, i'm holding on to all that. that's all i've got left i suppose. shit, it really sucks. but it may just happen. any time now.

i dont wanna hear it.
pls, god. dont let that be so. please, please, please.

10:41 PM

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