Red Hot Passion
30 August 2005

today was interesting.

last period was mrs foo's period! yay. she's just too cool. that is when she isnt being too particular abt the lit files! anyway, we were discussing abt "the eng tcher", the chapter where susila actually dies. how krishna retold his story in a diary form, and not direct first account and why that's so.

something abt him wanting to be distant and giving him "room", so to speak, for him to actually control all his emotions cos they were too great for him to handle there and then.

mrs foo said somthing abt how it is human nature to "switch on this mode where we just shut off" whatever's bothering us. why shut off? cos how we feel about it is too complicated and too much for us to bear. she mentions how we are able to numb ourselves so we dont have to bear and feel things we dont wish to.

somehow, that reminded me of me. maybe that's why huh? why i cant feel anything. the numbing process of a typical teen. :)

but now i question, is it really that typical? i mean i dont know that many... or maybe i just didnt get the signs and overlooked all the small things that reveal so.

but if it's any consolation, at least now it's clear that no, i'm not a fucking piece of machine, incapable of being considerate to my mother's feelings. and furthermore, she's a gemini. overly sensitive and how do i treat her?! i guess i just dont want to feel it though deep down i know it....? sheesh. i hate all this.

it's so......... disturbing? i cant even think of the appropriate word to describe it all. *rolls eyes* now, i feel pathetic. self-pity? nah. not really. i think.

besides, even if so, it's not that bad and selfish of me to delve in the world of self-pity once in a while right?

so, after today, i hereby conclude that feeling numb equates to the refusal of the truth and the incapability of being strong enough to handle the facts. bitter or not.

i want the truth!
you cant handle the truth!!
(rmb a few good man? the snippet they showed on ch 5 some time ago)

so. that simply means, i dont wish to admit it. i just want to snap it shut so i wont feel it. not a single bit. zilch.

heartless? nope. selfish? maybe.



okay. i have to pick up the mood. it's too... y'know...

so after school, the pnp and the admin ppl went to np store to do whatever it is that we're supposed to do. tricia tagged along too.

great laughs. x)

after that me, xq and su went to the canteen for a while. *blub blub blub* =P

tmr's tchers day and i dont have anything for any teacher. except for ms tong and mdm norah! god, i'm horrible arent i? none for cedar tchers.

reason? i'm not inspired enough by any of them. at least none that i find worthy enough for me to get them something.

hard to please? yeah. perhaps.

8:08 PM

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